A Never Was Love
I have not done a time-travel post in a while.
Here is one from the late 1980s.
I moved to New York City in the fall of 1978. I was a pup of twenty-one, with $200 in my wallet, and big dreams of Making It Big as an interior designer.
Today, I shudder at my idiocy.
Nonetheless, after enduring experiences so painful that I felt as though my skin had been repeatedly flayed off, in 1985 I founded my own architectural design firm. And the rest of the decade was magical. I soared. All my dreams had come true. And I worked my ass off.
One day in the late 1980s, while shopping in the delicious Howard Kaplan Antique Emporium, a gorgeous salesperson came over. “Can I help you?”
The Howard Kaplan Emporium (827-831 Broadway). It looks shabby today but in the late 1980s the store was GLORIOUS. Kaplan added the fabulous curvacious windows/doors on the first two floors.
I was instantly besotted with the salesperson. I was now thirty, and he was in his early twenties. Even though I liked older men I wanted this young man, badly.
We began dating. He seemed to like me. He accepted every dinner invitation with alacrity. Every invitation to a movie. He especially though liked touring the apartments I did for clients. He was hungry to learn about my clients and business.
Worrisome though is that he pulled away every time I made any move on him. I just assumed he was shy. I ached to get him naked. He was soooooo cute!
After months of this, one afternoon we were in one of the apartments I had just finished in Trump Tower (I did eleven in the building) when I made yet another move on him. Again, he pulled away.
Finally I asked: “I don’t get it. You clearly enjoy being with me. You eagerly accept my every invitation. You clearly enjoy our conversations. But you pull away every time I try to kiss you. WHAT is going on?”
To my surprise, he answered: “I’m not sure you’ll understand. But, to explain [long pause] I don’t want to be WITH you. I want to BE you.”
“What????”
“I have a shit job of being a salesperson. But you? You have everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I want to BE you. I want your life.”
“But you don’t want me.”
“No. I don’t. You’re too old.”
This stunned me. I had no idea. But all of a sudden his behavior made sense.
Luckily, I had enough self-esteem to never see him again. I don’t even remember his name.
But, to this day, several times a year I feel a stab to my heart recalling these words: “I don’t want to be WITH you. I want to BE you.”
I found a single picture of him. Adorkable, right? He normally had fabulous stubble.
And me, right, in mid-1980. I have no memory of the two I am talking with.
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Heartbreaking story. When I moved to Portland in 1994, newly divorced, I had so many first dates (and no follow ups) that I completely lost count. I do remember one conversation with my then boss (who was gay) about all the shitty men we had dated. Shittiness comes in all sexual orientations apparently.
That just makes me sad. We all deserve to be loved. I’m still waiting too😿Hugs to you.
“Old” at 30. 😮 What a pisher. And a sneaky user! Yes, he was young and very much a cutie pie but, no excuses – such behavior can become a cruel pattern. And I for one, can not abide a user … 😏 unless there’s mutual using going on & it’s acknowledged up front.
It’s not so much the wasted monetary expense, it’s the time and emotional investment.
The heart is resilient 💔 but really, how much can it take? I suppose, if a longing remains, there is a proof of healing. To love & learn? Ugh!
Ok sure, bring it on. 😉
Sad but nostalgic story. My heart goes out to your; 1980 self and now 2022 self. Unrequited love.it saddens me that all these years later, this amazing unnamed guy shatters your heart. This person didn’t deserve you. He sounded like a taker and an unkind person. He also sounds very shallow and vacuous.
My Xmas wish for you is that a kind, caring, like-minded and all around great guy come your way this Xmas season!
My Xmas season is a bit longe4 than most! Of note, my Xmas season starts 12 days before and lasts for 12 days— December 12 to January 6! -)
12/12 (my birthday) to 12/24
Mary on the donkey with Joseph travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem
(eg Fontanini manger pieces (Hand-painted and made in Bagni di Lucca Italy)
effortlessly move around my great room and dining area to the Manger)
Xmas miracle on 12/24 eve Baby Jesus arrives with angels, sheep (ewe & lamb) & Matthew the Shepherd (lamb around his shoulder)
12/25 to January 6th Caspar, Melchior and Balthazar
and camels (I have 1 camel; they took turns hahaha)
travel from their kingdoms bearing gifts of gold, myrrh & frankincense
(aka 3 Kings; Magi or Wise Men to 12th Night 1/5 eve the Epiphany January 6th
I remember a colleague from Mayo said she thought I was bat-shit crazy! Hahaha
until I explained the meaning to me hahahaha
It’s just my bit of fun!
This year particularly exciting as it’s my 70th birthday so 70 Xmases! Fa la la la la!
Very festive! 🙂
Mary with donkey & Joseph on top of Chiba cabinet in great readiness! Hahahahah
Sandra!
My heart was not shattered! For, I wasn’t in love with him. Lust? Oh, yes!
BIG hug!
Big hug back at you!
I’m thankful you were not in love but only infatuated with him.
Situation reminds me of guys I thought I adored but were only infatuated. Bart Reid, Steve Hall or Tom Kemp comes to mind. All great guys but not right for me 🙂
Happy birthday last 12 December, Sandra! Remember to include the messenger angel in your season (that could be you in angel costume).
Thanks kindly Leigh! Lovely birthday message! Mary, Joseph & donkey are on the move and progressed from China cabinet, Chinese table and on to table lamp next to recliner. Another donkey is coming from Fontanini, along with an oxen, another shepherd (Gabriel), more lambs, another camel for the Magi, and a small tent as well to accompany the it journey hahahaha
Quite the backhanded compliment!
The “your too old” comment was the one that always stung for me. For Gods sake I was in my thirties looking back from sixty-seven that seems young
What a cruel guy no name was. Hopefully he matured and is a better person now. Funny how these long ago memories stick with us forever. Thirty old? Oh to be 30 again, but then maybe not. I’m glad your heart was not shattered, but rejection still stings.
Just think: For all of this century HE has been too old, by his own standards. You are a gem, Ross. It was his loss.