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My Hillbilly Attack. A Short Story.

Recently, I mentioned that I had lost 26 pounds. This thrills me.

But my pants kept falling down.

My belt had no more of those little holes, and about a month ago I began constantly pulling my pants up as I walked around. This was annoying, yes, but the solution was a trip to Walmart for a new belt. And I intensly dislike shopping at Walmart. The parking lot is TOO large. The store is TOO large. The belts are way TOO far into the store.

However, in rural America there is no other shopping choice.

Thus, pulling my pants up constantly became the new normal.

Last week though I finally had enough of this. I was in the backyard of the Cross House and my pants would not stay up. I thought: I have got to do something! At that moment I looked down and saw a piece of twine on the ground. A belt!

Picking it up, I began to pull it through my belt loops but the end just kept unraveling. Argh! The more I pulled the more the end unraveled. Argh!

Furious, I yanked the twine out.

Then I thought: Hey! I am a man! I own duct tape!

I would duct tape the ends!

With this brilliant realization, I started towards the workroom.

And stopped in mid-step.

I suddenly knew that I had become, officially, a hillbilly.

I could not move forward.

Then, another thought: Hey! I am a man! Who is restoring a big old house! I own…tools!

Pulling my pants up, I quickly walked to the workroom, removed the belt, drilled two more holes into it, put it back on, and sighed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. A tight fit again.

This took just moments. I could have done this a month earlier.

As I drove home a phrase popped into my head: Idiot savant. Yep, I now had proof that while I am good at some things, I am obviously hopeless in many areas of my life.

Today I forced myself to Walmart because, as scared as I am of 2017, at the very least I knew I had to be well belted. For, with a good fitted belt I can, quite possibly, survive anything.

Happy New Year to everybody!

 

 

 

 

21 Responses to My Hillbilly Attack. A Short Story.

  1. I am laughing because I have been hitching my pants up for the last few months. In my more urban area I can also access Target, since the thrift store belts are smaller or larger or some very strange design. Good luck and happy new year, Ross!

  2. A velour track suit would alleviate your problem altogether. If you have some gold chains and chest hair to accessorize you’re golden.

  3. Just so you know – so that you can avoid Walmart – Tractor Supply sells belts. And suspenders. And pants, shirts, socks, shoes, boots, underwear, coats, and lots and lots of other goodies. The parking lots are much smaller, have parking spaces large enough to fit a full-sized pickup truck(!), and the stores are inviting and non-scary. Plus you can pick up tools and supplies while you’re there. Win-win!

    And I definitely fit right into that Hillbilly category. Not only have I used twine as a belt, but I have also used a cam strap, and a bungee cord. I have not yet resorted to stapling my pants to a smaller size, but I have suggested it to someone else and they did it!

  4. The suspender store online. Much more comfortable than a belt. Been using suspenders for years. Work suspenders, dress suspenders and casual suspenders. Suspenders for all occasions.

  5. A nail and a hammer will also produce holes in a belt. You know, just in case your electricity goes out or the drill battery goes dead.

  6. Ross, you’re hilarious! I love how you write so we can see and feel your experiences. Jed Clampett comes to mind..but then again maybe you’re Jethro?

    I’d be happy to venture forth into the deep dark trails of Walmart or wherever, purchase a few sizes for you to try on when you feel like it, and then I’d return whatever didn’t suit for you. You can stay focused on the fun stuff, like your lights or figuring out the stairwell!

    A new body deserves new clothes!

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