My Hillbilly Attack. A Short Story.

Recently, I mentioned that I had lost 26 pounds. This thrills me.

But my pants kept falling down.

My belt had no more of those little holes, and about a month ago I began constantly pulling my pants up as I walked around. This was annoying, yes, but the solution was a trip to Walmart for a new belt. And I intensly dislike shopping at Walmart. The parking lot is TOO large. The store is TOO large. The belts are way TOO far into the store.

However, in rural America there is no other shopping choice.

Thus, pulling my pants up constantly became the new normal.

Last week though I finally had enough of this. I was in the backyard of the Cross House and my pants would not stay up. I thought: I have got to do something! At that moment I looked down and saw a piece of twine on the ground. A belt!

Picking it up, I began to pull it through my belt loops but the end just kept unraveling. Argh! The more I pulled the more the end unraveled. Argh!

Furious, I yanked the twine out.

Then I thought: Hey! I am a man! I own duct tape!

I would duct tape the ends!

With this brilliant realization, I started towards the workroom.

And stopped in mid-step.

I suddenly knew that I had become, officially, a hillbilly.

I could not move forward.

Then, another thought: Hey! I am a man! Who is restoring a big old house! I own…tools!

Pulling my pants up, I quickly walked to the workroom, removed the belt, drilled two more holes into it, put it back on, and sighed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. A tight fit again.

This took just moments. I could have done this a month earlier.

As I drove home a phrase popped into my head: Idiot savant. Yep, I now had proof that while I am good at some things, I am obviously hopeless in many areas of my life.

Today I forced myself to Walmart because, as scared as I am of 2017, at the very least I knew I had to be well belted. For, with a good fitted belt I can, quite possibly, survive anything.

Happy New Year to everybody!






  1. Betsy on December 31, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    Happy New Year Ross- it will be good

  2. Cindi M on December 31, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    I am laughing because I have been hitching my pants up for the last few months. In my more urban area I can also access Target, since the thrift store belts are smaller or larger or some very strange design. Good luck and happy new year, Ross!

    • Ross on December 31, 2016 at 7:33 pm

      I am glad I am not alone in my craziness!

  3. Blair Carmichael on December 31, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    Have you ever considered suspenders? They go great with a rocking chair and a front porch!????

    • Ross on December 31, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      Well, I do have a front porch!

  4. Julia on December 31, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    A velour track suit would alleviate your problem altogether. If you have some gold chains and chest hair to accessorize you’re golden.

    • Ross on December 31, 2016 at 7:47 pm

      I have plenty of chest hair.

      And my birthday is in February…

  5. Melody on December 31, 2016 at 9:50 pm

    Just so you know – so that you can avoid Walmart – Tractor Supply sells belts. And suspenders. And pants, shirts, socks, shoes, boots, underwear, coats, and lots and lots of other goodies. The parking lots are much smaller, have parking spaces large enough to fit a full-sized pickup truck(!), and the stores are inviting and non-scary. Plus you can pick up tools and supplies while you’re there. Win-win!

    And I definitely fit right into that Hillbilly category. Not only have I used twine as a belt, but I have also used a cam strap, and a bungee cord. I have not yet resorted to stapling my pants to a smaller size, but I have suggested it to someone else and they did it!

    • Ross on December 31, 2016 at 10:00 pm

      I think we should get married!

  6. tiffaney on December 31, 2016 at 11:17 pm

    Amazon! You’ll never need Walmart again.

    • Ross on January 1, 2017 at 8:42 am

      I need to try on a belt before buying! Make sure it fits!

  7. Brandy on January 1, 2017 at 12:22 am

    Ross Clampett? You could be a long lost cousin!

    • Ross on January 1, 2017 at 8:41 am

      That would explain a lot!

  8. Connie in Hartwood on January 1, 2017 at 8:47 am

    Thank you for allowing us to peek into your life and imagination, dear Ross. 2016 was a wild ride … here’s hoping that 2017 turns out to be okay.

    • Ross on January 1, 2017 at 9:30 am

      I am crossing my fingers. And toes. And eyes.

  9. Doug Walker on January 1, 2017 at 9:05 am

    The suspender store online. Much more comfortable than a belt. Been using suspenders for years. Work suspenders, dress suspenders and casual suspenders. Suspenders for all occasions.

    • Ross on January 1, 2017 at 9:33 am

      Yes, Doug, but you are, well, weird.

      [Note to others: Doug and I are friends. And he is weird.]

  10. Riley on January 1, 2017 at 9:24 am

    A nail and a hammer will also produce holes in a belt. You know, just in case your electricity goes out or the drill battery goes dead.

    • Ross on January 1, 2017 at 9:31 am

      A fail safe is always good to know. Thanks!

  11. Gia Poore on January 2, 2017 at 8:55 am

    Eventually you may need to resort to hunting down some smaller hillbilly pants – congrats!

  12. Krystal on January 23, 2017 at 9:52 am

    Ross, you’re hilarious! I love how you write so we can see and feel your experiences. Jed Clampett comes to mind..but then again maybe you’re Jethro?

    I’d be happy to venture forth into the deep dark trails of Walmart or wherever, purchase a few sizes for you to try on when you feel like it, and then I’d return whatever didn’t suit for you. You can stay focused on the fun stuff, like your lights or figuring out the stairwell!

    A new body deserves new clothes!

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