My Hillbilly Attack. A Short Story.
Recently, I mentioned that I had lost 26 pounds. This thrills me.
But my pants kept falling down.
My belt had no more of those little holes, and about a month ago I began constantly pulling my pants up as I walked around. This was annoying, yes, but the solution was a trip to Walmart for a new belt. And I intensly dislike shopping at Walmart. The parking lot is TOO large. The store is TOO large. The belts are way TOO far into the store.
However, in rural America there is no other shopping choice.
Thus, pulling my pants up constantly became the new normal.
Last week though I finally had enough of this. I was in the backyard of the Cross House and my pants would not stay up. I thought: I have got to do something! At that moment I looked down and saw a piece of twine on the ground. A belt!
Picking it up, I began to pull it through my belt loops but the end just kept unraveling. Argh! The more I pulled the more the end unraveled. Argh!
Furious, I yanked the twine out.
Then I thought: Hey! I am a man! I own duct tape!
I would duct tape the ends!
With this brilliant realization, I started towards the workroom.
And stopped in mid-step.
I suddenly knew that I had become, officially, a hillbilly.
I could not move forward.
Then, another thought: Hey! I am a man! Who is restoring a big old house! I own…tools!
Pulling my pants up, I quickly walked to the workroom, removed the belt, drilled two more holes into it, put it back on, and sighed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. A tight fit again.
This took just moments. I could have done this a month earlier.
As I drove home a phrase popped into my head: Idiot savant. Yep, I now had proof that while I am good at some things, I am obviously hopeless in many areas of my life.
Today I forced myself to Walmart because, as scared as I am of 2017, at the very least I knew I had to be well belted. For, with a good fitted belt I can, quite possibly, survive anything.
Happy New Year to everybody!
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