I turned 65 today. FUCK.
In 1967, my next-door neighbor, Mrs. Tuholski, said to me: “Ross! You’re ten today! Congratulations.”
I didn’t feel excited. And, without thinking, I replied: “I’d rather be forty.”
She gasped, and slapped my upper arm. “No! No! These are the best years of your life! Enjoy them!”
I thought: “These are the best years?”
For, my childhood was one of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.
These were the good years?
I refused to believe it and had the sense that my life would only get better when I hit forty.
So, I rushed through my youth. Turning 16 did not excite me. I wanted to be 40! Turning 20 didn’t excite me. Where was 40? Turning 30 didn’t excite me. Although I was but a decade away from my dream: FOUR ZERO!
Then…drum roll, please…three decades after Mrs. Tuholski talked with me, the magical day arrived.
And with each passing day and month and year I nervously waited. Was my life better? In time, I could answer the question with a responding yes. The past twenty-five years have been vastly better than the first forty. Vastly. In short, my first four decades were mostly torture with moments of pleasure. The last twenty-five years has been the exact opposite. My life just flipped after forty.
How could I have known this in 1967?
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.
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After dreading every birthday, I was THRILLED to reach 40. THRILLED to reach 41. THRILLED to reach 42, 43, 44, 45, and 46. Then something unexpected happened. On my 47th birthday I got depressed. This was a bridge too far. I wanted my age to freeze in place. I wanted to return to 46 and forever remain as such.
I had not anticipated this, and began realizing the mistake of rushing through ones youth, and resenting it.
.
.
.
As a young man, I was…of course…attracted to older men. But, as I didn’t value my youth, I couldn’t understand what they saw in me and was always insecure in any relationship. Even with a one-night stand. I’d think: “Why are they so excited to be with me?”
Today, I shake my head.
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.
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A curious thing developed in my forties. I’d see a picture of myself and think: who’s that old guy? For, I felt like I was in my mid-thirties no matter that I was now 45 or 50 or 55 or 60. This was always jarring. Reality and my sense of self had suffered a disconnect.
A few months ago however I became aware that this disconnect had fallen away. For several years now, without my realizing it, my sense of age and actual age had merged into a cohesive whole. For the first time in my life.
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.
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I don’t like being 65. This is mostly do to the pronounced loss of energy as compared to young me, and the inability of my body to do a lot of what used to be effortless. That said, I love my 65-year-old brain. What would be ideal is to have a body transplant. You know, a nice young body but with my current old brain installed. I’m waiting for this app.
I would never want back the plethora of insecurities which crippled much of my life, the frightening inability to know what I wanted, and the paralyzing incapacity to express my feelings. This is all effortless today and I’m grateful.
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So, to me, I say a happy fucking birthday.
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Happy happy birthday, Ross!! You bring so much job and knowledge into our lives, I can’t thank you enough!
Oops, I meant to say JOY!!!
I’m leaving the misspelling! It’s funny!
And yes, you do bring much job into my life ;o)
When I read your posts I am reminded of all the things I should do in my house and garden (like painting the garden bench and the fence and having the electric installations in the basement repaired. And have the living room repainted, which means that I first will have to empty all the bookshelves and cupboards. And …)
Happy birthday nonetheless!
Happy birthday, Ross! Thanks for sharing your home and talents with us.
Happy Birthday!!! Wishing you many, many more Ross
Buon Compleanno, Ross! Und…. Alles Gute zum Geburtstag! As the Polish say: “May you live to be 100!”
We ALL say Happy Birthday Ross. We are so grateful for your willingness to share your journey and for your insights and wisdom. Enjoy every moment!
Happy Birthday Ross ! I will be 68 on the 15th . Now I really have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Bless you and your kitties .
Happy Birthday!
What you have accomplished the last 8 years is amazing and you have so much to be proud of.
I hope you had a wonderful day!
Julie
Happy Birthday Ross! Take a bow for a life well lived and for a future full of adventures.
Cheers
Jim
Hoping you had a lovely day. I am very thankful that you are in the world!
Happy Birthday again. I’m glad you finally enjoyed your last 25 years. You know what they say, the best is yet to come. Not counting the little aches & pains.
Best wishes for another happy., healthy life cycle!
Zum Geburtstag viel Gluck, Ross. I’ll hit 70 later this year, and I do miss being 40 physically. But my almost 70-year-old brain is in great shape and having a ball. Enjoy being 65; your brain will thank you.
Happy 65th Birthday Ross!
Many happy years ahead!
So glad you are having a good 65th birthday!
Happy Birthday Ross. Soon to be 69 and in my second childhood-enjoying life like never before.
It’s interesting finding the things to celebrate as we pass each milestone. Thank you for your journey, and for sharing it so beautifully.
Dear Ross,
Happy birthday!
Cheers to all the happy years ahead! I’m in high hopes you will continue to let us take part in your adventures.
Working in stem cell research, let’s see what we can do about the old brain in young body thing 🙂
In the meantime, live long and prosper, and may the force be always with you!
Warm greetings
Lis
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSS!!! You’re a great writer….perhaps someday you’ll have time write your biography….I’ll want a copy.
Happy 65th year, Ross. You look good for your age. Eloquent, kind-hearted, talented. The cats at Rossland wish you a Happy Birthday and Valentines too. (The chorus when you bring them food, they meant “Rossssss! Happy Birthdayyyyyyyyyyy! Happy Valentinnnnnnnnnnne!”)
I hope you have a happy year, Ross. At nearly 74, I can relate to much of your post (although I was lucky enough to have a happy childhood). I love my brain and my experiences, but I wish I could have my thirty-year-old body back.
Happy birthday, Ross. This past August, 70 was my milestone birthday. I have laugh lines in my cheeks and around my eyes and I love them. Two ex-abusers have died in the past year and the relief is great. Age brings reflection and growth if we let it. Thank you for your sharing your creativity and humor and outrage with us. Your generosity warms my heart. And this old Social Security retiree can’t let this go by without reminding you to sign up for part B Medicare!!
Happy Birthday Ross! I am right behind you (oop, don’t look)! Thank you for everything you have done for your internet family.
You and your blog are a constant reminder that there is still good happening out there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSS!
Happy fucking birthday Ross. I know exactly how you feel. My 70th fucking birthday is next month.
Happiest birthday Ross, my fellow Aquarian!
I am 6 years older than you and I LOVE being older. It’s good! I am able finally collecting Social Security. It was difficult to wait until now, and I was fortunate to be able to do so. I literally jumped out of my chair when that first check arrived, as I have been self-employed for 38 years—so regular paychecks have not been a thing for me.
I am still working. I am a skincare freak. I do 220 sit-ups a day. I do some yoga. I joke that I work to support my skincare habit, but I actually work to continue to pay the bills. But not as many hours, which is great!
I am studying Buddhism. Mostly listening to Thich Naht Han on Audible, which I highly recommend. He has so much wisdom and it brings so much peace.
I am spending more time in nature.
I am more careful, often thanks to you, talking about the physical chances young Ross would take compared to present Ross, when doing repairs.
Last birthday was kind of funny-ha ha. This one a little scary…
But I feel free! Kind of like being eleven.
It’s good Ross.
Eat well. Sleep well. Stay in shape. (All can be a bit challenging, but I think it’s a big part of the aging-well formula.)
Sending a big birthday hug!
Happy happy birthday, Ross!!
I turned 54 a few weeks ago and I feel like I’m hovering on the edge of this which you expressed so well: “my sense of age and actual age had merged into a cohesive whole”.
It’s … interesting. 🙂
Happy Un-birthday Ross.
I hate my birthdays, always have as long as I can remember. I enjoy when it is just a regular day or to be by myself. I enjoy and un-birthday, every other day of the year! I think the 40s are the best so far. 20s suck minus the infinite energy. I am so glad you are here to do what you do, and enjoy following your progress as well as stories along the way. You also have helped me see things differently, and I truly appreciate that. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to following in this absolutely shit show over the past couple years.
A belated congratulations on another successful orbit around the Sun!
Happy Birthday Ross
I hope you had a great day. If you find that app, please share it with us all. You have so much to be proud of – the man you are, your restorations, etc. You bring so much joy, knowledge, inspiration, and entertainment to all of us. Don’t ever stop! Hug a kitty! We do love you! 🙂
Hippo buck and birdies, two ewes! 😀
I wish you happy. I wish you serenity. I wish you contentment. I wish you joy.
I sometimes wonder if I would be more content if I were born a generation sooner or a generation later.
Sooner and I would have lived in a golden age of advancement, seeing passenger airline service and men walk on the moon and the advent of the personal computer and then the seen Dick Tracy’s wristwatch realized. But then I think of all of things that are to come. I don’t think I would be content to leave this world before the next big step for mankind, which I would be doing if I had been of the previous generation. The one following? Well, they’ll be cleaning up all sorts of our messes, from environmental to economic. I’m not sure I want to be around when so many beloved animals tip into endangered or even go extinct except for zoos and then are permanently gone. I don’t want to see food lines while the used to be habitable places in the world start to fry or drown. I fear that if I live another 30 years that is the world I will be living in when it is my time to go.
I don’t look back on any good old days because they weren’t. I like flush toilets and the latest medical breakthroughs. I like refrigeration and air conditioning, heat and indoor plumbing. I really like the internet.
But I can’t help envying a future that might look more like Star Trek than Mad Max and wanting to live in it.
I am two and a half years older than you. I started slowing down before you did as at your age I already couldn’t work as long or as hard as I used to and was limited to lifting 20 lbs per my doctor. My 16 hour days became 6. I had such plans after I retired but my loss of strength and stamina limited that. I’ve slowed down. That said, I’m not dead yet. What I have noticed is the ageism around me. Those younger think that at 67 I am on death’s door and I should be taking the bus instead of driving a car. That I must be half blind, half deaf and half witted. I resent it, especially considering the stupidity of youth I observe around me. (My nephews broke the seat of a vintage family heirloom because they stood on it, too lazy to get a ladder. What did they do? They threw it away. Because they don’t fix anything and considered it “broken.” I would have removed the seat, cut a new one out of wood, reupholstered it and screwed it on. Good as new. Better even. Instead it is in a landfill somewhere and it cost me $200 to find a “close to” replacement for my Mother. It was her uncle’s chair, at least 80-90 years old. I don’t think the stupidity of my nephews is an outlier but the norm. )
The Cody’s of this world are getting rarer and rarer. The young that appreciate history and restoration and preservation are getting fewer and fewer. You are so lucky to have him. And Kevin. The the good Doctor.
Ross, you have surrounded yourself with a great collection of friends and have created a wonderful community both real and virtual. You are building a monument in the restoration of the Cross House and the Carriage House. You may be 67 but I see you finally moving in, stepping back and relaxing, admiring the work you’ve accomplished and giving tours to those that wish to share in your vision. I see both houses done.
I doubt I’ll be able to see the houses finished other than online.
So on this day of days, I wish you pride. Pride in what you have accomplished and what is still to come. The biggest blessing of old age? You just don’t give a shit about a lot of stuff any more. And there is a wonderful freedom in that.
So, lastly, I wish you freedom.